Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
just throwing this out there: period starts tomorrow sooo either sex tonight or not until tues/weds.
i get a bj anyways so it's really your choice.
k i'll be over in 5.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Randomize
