I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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