I swear she didn't look like that last week.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Randomize
