happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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