we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
