Dual....:-)
ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I skipped work to stalk him.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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