Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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