The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
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there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
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also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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