if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Randomize