did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
it was like his penis was on wheels.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
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