nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
