My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Randomize
