I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
