I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
