Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
