there's paper in my vomit.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
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