sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
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she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
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I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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