I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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