Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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