Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
