I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Randomize
