I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
