I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I smell like Dick and happiness
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