I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Randomize
