he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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