I cannot find my penis.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
