So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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