so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
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I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
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A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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