As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
