I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
