So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
