i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
