I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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