Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
