I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
