New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I'm passing your future prison.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
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