Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
There's always time for handjobs
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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