she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
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