She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Randomize
