I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
