I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
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