Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
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You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
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so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
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