we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
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