I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
