I CAN MOONWALK!
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
