So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
