Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
