currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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