I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
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