We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
