it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
