her vagina looked like bernie madoff
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
