I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
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