we're chasing vodka with high fives
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
All I want is dick and wine.
Randomize
