There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
