Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
