I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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