I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
